I wrote this a few weeks ago and never made it public. I was reading it again this week as I was preparing to share my life story with my life group. I've added a little, and I thought I might as well share it.

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When I am acutely aware of my depravity, I have a hard time believing that God or anyone can love me. On one level I can quote scripture about God's unconditional love. Yet, in those moments, I see all my faults and think of all that thinks I should have done differently and I am overwhelmed with shame, loneliness, and hopelessness. I cry out to God and still feel very alone. It's a strange thing where I want love and I know He loves me, yet I cannot allow myself to accept that love. And then I fall apart and do some very stupid things and feel even worse.

I eventually get to a point where I’m exhausted and crying, “Why? Why do I do the things I do? When there are other things I want to do and other things I should do, instead I choose to do that which I hate to do but feel compelled to do anyways. Why do I do this to myself? There is no logic to my actions. But yet I cannot break out of this cycle. What do I do?”

Paul writes something very similar in Romans 7 and for a long time I wondered how he could then go on to say “Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God – through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Doesn’t he feel like he has to change something himself? And for a while I tried to change myself.

So having exhausted my resources at the time, I found myself crying out to him and not just asking for help but really surrendering all of my life. Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matt 11:28-30.

It has been a long journey and I still often find myself still trying change myself on my own. That perfectionist in me still tries to take control, and says that I need to earn the love and acceptance I crave. It never works for very long. Eventually I find myself crying at His feet again asking Him to do something, anything, to change me.

And He has, although not always in the ways I thought I wanted. I still struggle with the same things. But I'm starting to get it. When I am feeling the worst about myself but actually surrender that pain to God rather than try to deal with it in my own broken way, God’s love and grace can overwhelm me.

“I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.” Philippians3:8-9

Most recently, in very real ways, I have found God's love in the people that He has placed in my life. I can be myself, however broken, and still, surprisingly, I find that I am loved. And it's not just that they feel sorry for me but I think they actually like me for who I am, even when they know me in my weakness. It's so freeing to find that I don't have to run when people get close.

If people can actually love me like that, then how much more must God love me!

“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:9-10

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” 1 John 3:1

It is love and grace I do not understand but am starting to really believe, sometimes, even when I can not love myself.

I love my family, these mountains, cool foggy mornings, tree ripe nectarines, hiking trails, open space . . . but I'm ready to go home. My life group is meeting tonight and, though I love it here, I'm missing my friends in Houston. I'm headed back Saturday though.  Maybe I'll climb the ridge tomorrow and enjoy my last few days in cool, dry California, but I think I'm ready to be back in Houston.

Lately the weather has been getting me down.When I wake up in the mornings what I really want to do is go for a bike ride but it always seems to be raining. This morning was different. The weather wasn't, it was still raining, but my attitude had changed. I took a cup of coffee and a Bible out on the balcony and enjoyed the rain for once.

"Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving; make music to our God on the harp. He covers the sky with clouds; he supplies the earth with rain and makes grass grow on the hills. He provides food for he cattle and for the young ravens when they call. His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man; the LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love." Psalm 147:7-11

"lightning and hail, snow and clouds, stormy winds that do his bidding, . . . Let them praise the name of the LORD for his name alone is exalted; his splendor is above the earth and the heavens." Psalm 148:8,13

I would have been singing at the top of my lungs but I'm not sure my neighbors would have enjoyed that at 6:30 in the morning. And now the rain has stopped. God is good!!